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By The Betches on

"Well, I'm sorry, Wendy. But I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die." - Mr. Garrison

Even though a South Park quote jump started this post, we highly suggest bros look away. I mean, unless you're in a deeply committed relationship and know your girlfriend's menstrual cycle better than the size of your dick we suggest you go read something else. You won't be interested or appreciate the visual. Now, where to begin?

Your period. It's amazing how uncomfortable people get when they talk about it. Like, what the fuck, why can't you just say the word period? Why do you have to whisper it, like you do when you say the words 'chlamydia' or 'black people.' Women have been spouting blood out of their vaginas 12 times a year for thousands of years. You would think everyone would just get over it already.

Back in the day they used to put girls in a hut for like a week while they bled out. We'd say this was sexist but we happen to like the idea of a week off from work just because you're leaking. But fear not you betchy bleeders, we're about to get into the shit that your mom or your lesbian health teacher never talked about, the upside of that time of the month.

period pic
The way we feel about our periods is kind of how we feel when our moms call us. We're not happy about it but we're also glad she's not dead. Yeah, getting it is like extremely irritating and gets in the way of your social life but think of it as a sojourn from sex. A sexual sabbath, if you will. Take the next 4-7 days and reflect on all of the guys you've fucked and the babies you're fortunately not carrying. Put in a super plus and congratulate yourself on a cycle well done.

(Side note: we're going to refrain from delving into the complicated and gag inducing topic of period sex because it's a personal choice and we personally really DGAF)

Sure if you've hit a dry spell and haven't gotten any ass in a while, your period becomes more like that time your annoying aunt stayed at your house when her apartment was getting redone. Her expected and unwelcome arrival makes you feel like shit about your love life. But whatever. Shit happens. Another egg, another month. Life goes on.

But all betches (and bros) know that the only thing worse than getting your period is not getting your period. If you haven't had a celebratory #23 pregame or fucking glass full of vodka in order to celebrate your P day and the averted crisis of welcoming the world's biggest party foul into the world, you're probably not a betch. There are few of us who haven't run through our apartments smiling, laughing as if we had just won the lottery screaming "I got it! It's here! TG!!!!!!!!!!"

Speaking of tampons, there is nothing else you should ever use. Pads are for my grandma and betchy babies who think diapers make them look fat. But I've got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina!! Then use a super plus from Kotex, or whatever, use a cardboard applicator for all we care (that is, if you're poor - let's not forget the elite social status indicator tampon that is Tampax Pearl), just don't use a pad. I'd rather sleep in my housekeeper's underwear than walk around with an absorbent pillow in my pants.

period pic
Getting your period is a blessing in a disgusting disguise. It's the most brilliant excuse to get out of shit, mostly because people get so uneasy when thinking about the idea of your inner uterus shedding all over the floor. I mean, the minute you told your misogynistic gym teacher that you had to sit out today and talk shit with your besties because you have your period, did he not leave you alone in a desperate plea that you stop talking about it? Works every time.

So betches, next time you and your roommates are surfing the crimson wave together (something of a wild phenomenon that is seriously bewildering... May be symbolic for betches to flow together to rule the world, we dk), put on your period pants, pop in some Motrin, and haul your bloated asses to the living room for a night of movies and Bloody Marys.

And if you're that especially heinous bitch (who blames her unfortunate looks and bitchiness on PMS) for five days every month, feel free to curse God or Mother Nature, because seriously WTF...Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!

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49 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    LOL this is so on point.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Alexandra says:

    Seriously, are you following me? Did you hire nice girls to dig through my trash? I’m getting creeped out. I guess the real betches are on my cycle. It makes sense.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Betch 1 says:

    “Why do you have to whisper it, like you do when you say the words ‘chlamydia’ or ‘black people.’ ” AMAZING

    Posted on Reply
  4. Post-it says:

    #CLASSIC

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anita says:

    Love the dodgeball reference.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    “Pads are for my grandma and betchy babies who think diapers make them look fat.” Best line of the post…

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    “Betchy babies who think diapers make them look fat”...I died.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Betch not doing work at work says:

    “let’s not forget the elite social status indicator tampon that is Tampax Pearl”—SO true!! I will put nothing else in my vagina (aside from large penisis attached to hot pros).

    Posted on Reply
  9. Natasia says:

    It must be that betchy time of the month for not just me.

    Cardboard applicators? I’d rather close my finger in a car door, thanks.

    Posted on Reply
  10. N/a says:

    Ew… Who actually eats enough to get a period. Fatties.

    Posted on Reply
  11. yep says:

    Or isn’t on birth control four weeks out of the month so she doesn’t have to deal with this shit ever.

    Posted on Reply
  12. nastygal says:

    Seasonique is the betchiest birth control there is. If you’re not on it you clearly lack either a sex life or intelligence… most likely both.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    I got my period today, so not only do I get to celebrate not being preggers, but I also feel flattered that betches love this made this perfect post. Such an amazing day!

    Posted on Reply
  14. Samantha says:

    Best line ever: “Getting your period is a blessing in a disgusting disguise. It’s the most brilliant excuse to get out of shit, mostly because people get so uneasy when thinking about the idea of your inner uterus shedding all over the floor.” I just died. Amazing post betches, keep them coming. Oh and love the Clueless reference by using “crimson wave”

    Posted on Reply
  15. Kelly says:

    just got my period today. makes this post so much more topical.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Marie says:

    Me too!  Fuq yes for not being preggo!

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    Only prudes use Seasonique because they’re clearly the only ones who can go 3 months without freaking out about being pregnant. True Betches need the assurance that our pro hasn’t deposited next member of the lucky sperm club in our uterus. Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Have fun being featured on TLC’s “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    Hahaha totes. She is probs fat too

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    Tampons are no better than pads - who wants a piece of bleached cotton expanding in your vag all day? Gross. Real betches know that the Diva Cup is where it’s at.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    Except you can’t even spell the plural of penis correctly so you shouldnt be sticking them in your vag.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    If you use Instead Softcups your pro doesnt even have to know you have your period when you show up at his place to respond to his booty call.

    Posted on Reply
  23. No says:

    Ew.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Looch says:

    funniest post in a while… bravo

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    Ew that is way too eco friendly

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    It’s like you totally knew I just started!! And I totes just went out and celebrated with my gbffs. They totes know how amaze it is to not be preggo.

    Posted on Reply
  27. ... says:

    Plain and simple…get an IUD and as long as you’re not fat, you won’t ever get a period. IUD’s are the definition of not doing work. Real betches don’t let nice girl things like periods happen to them.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    there’s a difference between being a betch and a fucking moron

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    do all betches menstruate simultaneously? damn

    Posted on Reply
  30. wtf? says:

    Betches do not go out of their fucking way to “respond” to a booty call.

    Posted on Reply
  31. Anonymous says:

    Most of this was so true… I also love the SP reference! However, I hate using T-Pearl! MY vagina is not square-shaped so I don’t see why a tampon should be. U by Kotex (so cute!) and Playtex GG work way better. But yeah… anything is better than a disgusting pad or a cardboard applicator.

    Posted on Reply
  32. ummmmmmm what? says:

    you’re an idiot. end of story goodbye.

    Posted on Reply
  33. ... says:

    that’s fucking disgusting, who wants to pull a cup full of period out and deal with it???

    Posted on Reply
  34. Same cycle says:

    Seriously, I had the exact same reaction.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    perfectly timed, literally just got my period for the first time in like 2 months

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    somebody is copying this site. betchintraining.wordpress.com

    betches, i think you should stop them immediately

    Posted on Reply
  37. Anonymous says:

    lolllll i concur. stop sucking so much penis and start learning how to spell. no rich guy wants to marry an idiot who cant spell

    Posted on Reply
  38. Anonymous says:

    “Pads are for my grandma and betchy babies who think diapers make them look fat.” So fucking true.

    Posted on Reply
  39. Gurllll says:

    “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood” hahaha love the zoo lander reference. Haha stay classy betches

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    A period piece…funny and so spot on

    Posted on Reply
  41. Anonymous says:

    dodgeball, not zoolander. fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  42. 1Betchhh says:

    “Why do you have to whisper it, like you do when you say the words ‘chlamydia’ or ‘black people.’ “

    But wait,like seriously though?  Didn’t realize black people were a social stigma and could be denounced the same way a social fucking disease is. this post is bullshit and needs to be edited. Tons of betches read these posts and i can promise you, they’re not all white.
    #igonranceisneverbetchy.

    Posted on Reply
  43. Anonymous says:

    @#igonranceisneverbetchy
    totally agree. but you know what else is never betchy? spelling ignorance igonrance.

    Posted on Reply
  44. 1Betchhh says:

    bahaha trueeee. opps.. like whatever, shit happens. as long as my point is made that’s all i care about.

    Posted on Reply
  45. Anonymous says:

    hahahahahahaha “A cup full of period” that’s fucking sick

    Posted on Reply
  46. Anonymous says:

    Lol! You’re just as dumb. Sure you can spell, but your grammar is atrocious !

    Posted on Reply
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