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By The Betches on

Be it with your new #62 pro of the moment, #18 fuck buddy, the #53 SAB you swore to yourself you #8 weren't going to fuck again, or the mistaken tryst with a #89 back burner bro, every betch at one point or another has found herself in bed deliberating how to act after a hookup.

If betches know one thing about the inner workings of a bro's mind, it’s that how he treats you before you have sex with him doesn’t mean shit. Any guy can and will be really nice to you, tell you how amazing and beautiful you are, and text you up a storm in order to get you to have sex with him. What matters is what happens after. Welcome to the betches' guide to decoding post coital conduct.

rihanna and chris brownIf he starts beating the shit out of you, it's time to go

Obviously, this is made easier when the guy you’re seeing comes over to your place seeing as he can leave whenever the fuck he wants and you have the power to throw out one of the following “Ohh I’m so tired/I have drunk brunch with my besties in 20 minutes/Why are you still here!?” if necessary.

Obviously, if you like this guy you want him to stay but if he’s putting his pants on like it's a fucking timed Olympic event, he's clearly not into you.

When you wind up at his place, determining the next move gets trickier. It's all about reading between the lines, like you're Sherlock Holmes...if he had just gotten fucked.

Clear Signs He Wants You Out ASAP:

- After peeing, he comes back and immediately puts on his pants and starts looking at his phone.

- He passive-aggressively asks if you're planning to stay over "So like...you think you're gonna stay over tonight? Or, um, like what are you thinking?"

- Tells you he has to wake up early

- Gives you your bra that landed on his side of the bed

- Throws your bra at you

- Starts showing you pictures of his ex-girlfriend

- Delves into the seriousness of the dump he just took

Signs He Doesn't Want You to Leave (if you stay, the look you're going for is "tired-chic")

- Blatantly asks you to stay over

- Gets back into bed to spoon with you

- Starts telling you family stories

- Tells you he loves morning sex

Putting on his boxers right after is a draw. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants you to leave, he might just have an extra small case of Putty P.

Disclaimer: If you don’t plan on having sex with this guy (which we highly recommend until you’re sure you have all the power), it’s proper etiquette to leave at night assuming this isn’t a stay-in-to-watch-a-movie date night. As much as guys love sleepovers relegated to the kiss & cuddle, there are limits before you’re forever branded the T-TOT (Teasiest Tease on the Town). Oh, and if you have a bad case of halitosis, see Kim Richards for the best air freshener.

He's most likely trying to date you if he:

- Brings you #54 iced coffee

- Asks if you want to get breakfast

- Sets up the kitchen for you to bake him cupcakes if by chance you happen to be a bitter ex-pastry chef

After You Leave:

- DON’T seem too into him or clingy

- NEVER text him first after you part ways.

- DON’T text him things like "thinking about you" or "last night was fun" cartoon - DO let him say that, and if he does, answer with "yeah, was a good time"

- DON’T tell him you can't hang out next weekend because you'll be menstruating and the first few days are when your flow is heaviest.

If he offers you a sweatshirt to go home in, it means he wouldn't mind seeing you again because he wouldn’t deal with having to get his shit back from a girl he wants to avoid. If you don’t like this guy and deeply regret staying over, don’t take his shit, it’ll give him something to contact you about.

If you hook up with the guy who gives you clear signs he’s not interested in hanging out after he comes, beware that you are 100% in fuck buddy territory and it would probably take a miracle or a nose job to move you to the mainland dating world. Unless this is what you want, move on. No one likes a Stage 5.

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47 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Cheers Betches says:

    Brava on an excellent post, way to flood the list with excellent new posts after that 1% debacle.  And nice Bridesmaids ref btw.

    Posted on Reply
  2. BostonBetch says:

    Truth. Love the Bridesmaids reference.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    absolutley love this! it’s funny thought because most guys just think you want to date them after you hook up…not true. like ever.

    Posted on Reply
    • Anon. says:

      Um, no.  The verb is “to come.”  It means “to orgasm.”  You can’t call yourself Grammar Nazi if you succumb to ignorant colloquial spellings.  Grammar and spelling go hand in hand.

      Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    You forgot one type of bro. The type that has sex with you, passes out in your bed, then leaves early the next morning. He can either text you that day or the next weekend when he is around. Don’t let this bro fool you he is double-playing you—for sex and your bed. Can you say next??

    Posted on Reply
  5. skinny betch says:

    You forgot one retard boy. The guy you don’t have sex with bc you’re not easy, instead you wake up in a pool of their piss. Never talk to this boy again. Pussy.

    Posted on Reply
    • wtf? says:

      wtf.. and also why are you sleeping with him but not having sex

      Posted on Reply
  6. Bro says:

    The iced coffee staetement is so true

    Posted on Reply
  7. betchtastic says:

    Starting to wonder if you betches are following me around, cause this post is just way too relevant to my life right now…

    anyway may I contribute that the guy probably wants to hang out with you also if he makes you dinner before or after. You don’t eat it, of course, but…it’s the thought that counts.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    You betches never cease to amaze me…..my favorite method is pulling away from HIM trying to cuddle and demanding a ride back to my place

    Posted on Reply
  9. pissed off betch says:

    made it through college and it wasn’t until i was dating an otherwise 10 of a pro until this happened to me.  its like whatever, but it’s def over.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Next Morning Betch says:

    I have definitely done this and I am a woman. Just saying. Works both ways.

    Posted on Reply
  11. CiCee says:

    I wish I could like your comment. The last sentence.

    Posted on Reply
  12. irish betch says:

    love the bridesmaids reference!!!

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    love love love this post. bravo betches

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    “After sex is not just an Essie color” - @bitchesluvthis

    question for the betches…which is more betchy Essie or OPI.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Sarah says:

    what about the bro that wont fucking leave??

    Posted on Reply
  16. thebestbetchever says:

    This is the best betch post so far. Girls need to follow these rules, it’ll save them a lot of energy and time

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    OPI- Betches not trash

    Posted on Reply
  18. honestly says:

    I agree, its annoying and confusing !

    Posted on Reply
  19. Em Bee says:

    this is a good post, shits true… but its so not betchy. make shit betchier.

    Posted on Reply
  20. TopBetch says:

    THIS IS MY LIFE. Literally, you guys make me feel like a total betch and I love it. Well, because I am. Totally use “Stage 5” on a daily basis.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    youtube sorority girl walk of shame tips. similar shit.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    This was a great post! The filler-sarcasm to actual writing skills ratio was on point! Most of the entries lately have had so much potential to be interesting reads, but they’ve fallen flat. I’ve always liked this site, not because i think i’m a betch, but the actual articles were ironic. Seemed like the last few weeks have been trying to be ironic but just ended up too dramatic and unrealistic. I’m back on board!

    Posted on Reply
  23. Aniluap says:

    I’m obsessed with you guys. And your subtle allusions… especially that last one! Hilarious! Keep ‘em coming! (pun intended) wink

    Posted on Reply
  24. ThisBetchRightHurr says:

    Touché. Not to mention it was my brand new Egyptian Cotton sheets. Your a 26 yr old #pro get your boozing skills together or buy some depends. Gross.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    is ridiculous. I get its a joke but the use of like every 5 seconds and the attempt to be super sratty is failing miserably, and her attempt to be funny makes her look like a geed trying to be greek

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    BRIDESMAIDS YESSSS just fell off my dinosaur

    Posted on Reply
  27. Jerz says:

    Fantastic….word to the wise….beware of the d-bagger who does all the “if he wants to date you” bs so he can continue to fuck you. If a guy you like actually wants to date you, he will.

    Posted on Reply
  28. meg says:

    “No one likes a Stage 5” ...S5C = stage 5 clinger

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    I absolutely adore this post. Unfortunately I found myself in a situation recently that this post did not cover. After a night of heavy drinking with my betch squad I slummed and texted my backburner bro and found myself the next morning trapped on his lofted bed with the ladder missing. I evaluated all my options and not wanting to jump down and risk injury or worse complete embarrassment in the case that he walked in just as I would make a less than graceful landing. I chose to wait it out. He finally came back after 20 minutes and returned to the loft looking to “cuddle”. I quickly climbed down got dressed and left without so much as a talk to you never. Needless to say that bro is officially off all the burners.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Natasha says:

    This really was something awesome and useful, the betties should make a dating text book.

    Posted on Reply
  31. onlyonekateinlondon says:

    Ha so accurate. Some guys know exactly how to keep giving you “signs” that will lead you nowhere but his penis.

    Posted on Reply
  32. JLEE says:

    Brilliant post…now if I decide to ditch my husband I know what the eff to do when I get back in the dating world! Thanks betches!

    Posted on Reply
  33. post-coital MISCONDUCT says:

    OMG betches, I made a terrible mistake. After I left, I appeared clingy the next day… I have to fade it out; can’t believe I did that.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    it’s really sad that you guys can’t figure this shit out on your own. clearly you fail at life and you’re a crazy bitch if you need instructions on if a guy likes you or not.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    True Ive done it too, but its allowed for betches

    Posted on Reply
  36. strohbot says:

    This is the shit I’ve been living by for the past 5 years

    Posted on Reply
  37. Regina says:

    I agree. And you posted that vid twice.

    Stop trying to make your youtube fame happen, it’s not gonna happen.

    Posted on Reply
  38. Revvy says:

    Wow, these advises do matter a lot for those who are really confused and don’t know how to build themselves a healthy love life. I needed these advises once, now I am in a serious relationship and I don’t even know how that happened. I am however a bit concerned, few days ago I found out that he was browsing a Vienna escort website, I don’t know how to react about that…

    Posted on Reply
  39. Brides says:

    Haha, just got back from a movie-night-sleepover and we watched Bridesmaids! Too funny. Nothing happened btw and I’m not texting first. He let me sleep in his clothes though.

    Posted on Reply
  40. Roxy says:

    This post is sad. There are a lot of insecure sluts in this world. Letting yourself be fucked and used up like a trash receptacle is not the way it has to be.

    Posted on Reply
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