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By The Betches on


"Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?" - Half Baked

James Franco. Miley Cyrus. Snoop Dogg. George Washington. What do all these people have in common besides being alive? Oh well, no never mind. They all smoke pot, fucking duh. And why do we care? Because tomorrow is 420 and we need to celebrate the people who keep the weed business thriving. But what's the point of celebrating a holiday when you don't know the history behind it?

You're right, there is no point at all. All we know is that it's also casually the anniversary of the Columbine shootings and the failure of the Bay of Pigs and the Good Friday Massacre and the Ludlow Massacre (no fucking idea), and Hitler's bday. Point is, 420 = mad evil shit. Imagine how much better things would be if on that day or 9 months prior, people had just decided to sit on their couches and smoke. On second thought, Bay of Pigs would've probably ended the same.

Let's talk about the true glory days of 420: high school. While for 420 in college you might do something a little more intense like prepare baked goods, smoke one more gram than usual, or maybe find one more person to smoke with; during high school, 420 is like the funnest shit ever. Smoking with your besties between periods and fucking with the teacher was a favorite pasttime of ours. I left my Cranberries CD on the quad, can I go get it before someone snags it?

24Reefer Sutherland

In college and post-grad life, 420 is still one of those days of the year when you know most people around you will be stoned. If you're wearing sunglasses, you probably are stoned. If you're eating, you probably are stoned. If you have a social life, you probably are stoned. It's acceptable, even encouraged, to take the entire day off to smoke, because how productive would you be if you were high at work? As long as you can understand in advance that today will be an eating day, you must also have an assortment of snacks that are worthy of your munchies. Think of it like stocking up for Hurricane Katrina: not doing so could be disastrous...ironic.

But more important than stocking up on food is obviously stocking up on weed. You don't want to be wasting precious time calling your dealer when you can be smoking. Dealers run out, and if you end up with your last resort, you know you'll be spending the day smoking something that gets you as high as miniscule pieces of Wrigley's wintergreen. You need to be prepared so you can start your day off fresh and stoned. If you have actual shit to do don't worry, celebrating your beliefs is more important than being sober. Just ask the Irish.

[Side Note: There are few things more absurd to us than weed dealers who try push one strain of "ill kush" as "iller" than any other strain of "ill kush". Text Message: Merry xmas everyone, Santa brought his best sour so holla ho ho ho! I swear this is a real text we got, you'd think the projects were inhabited by holiday elves.]

For the seasoned stoner betch; it is customary to smoke a fat blunt. It will most definitely involve kief spread throughout. You might attempt a crossbow joint.

For the occasional stoner betch; you will probably smoke from a bong or a bowl because you cannot roll anything. On this occasion it is mandatory to put ice in your bong.

weed cigsI don't not want those...

Classic shit to watch while high: -Half Baked -Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas -Super Troopers -Harold and Kumar Trilogy -Pineapple Express -The Wackness -The King's Speech -Grandma's Boy -Zoolander -Road Trip -Euro Trip -Dazed and Confused -Fantastia -All Family Guy or South Park Episodes -Billy Madison. No milk will ever be our milk.

So while 420 may not hold the same place in your heart it did when you were sixteen, the holidays are important for remembering where we came from and the struggles that our people endured. So break out your old bowl from high school, visit your old dealer in jail, and tell your parents to fuck off. Spark up a j for us betches, it's not everyday we light up for a cause.

 

 

 

 

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34 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Stoner Betch says:

    How could you ever forget Dude, Where’s My Car? Everybody knows its one of the top 3 best movies to watch while high. Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
    • Raf says:

      Gay

      Posted on Reply
  2. orangebetch says:

    wait, this is actually perfect. so happy.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    And don’t forget Labyrinth!

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    The best part is how Cartmen uses his time to push how much he hates Kyle for being Jewish.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    You need acid for labyrinth

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    your movie list is soo unoriginal. TTH

    Posted on Reply
  7. Betchy Brandi says:

    How could you not include Friday?!?!  Probably thee best stoner movie ever made, hello?!  Even if you’re not high, its funny as fuck.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    fuck off she said they’re all classic stoner films. learn how to read

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Classic shit to watch while high: the King’s Speech. you kill me betches

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    cranberries cd.. how old are you?

    Posted on Reply
    • fadedfemme says:

      Clueless reference…
      Obviously.

      Posted on Reply
  11. Ladi D says:

    Jawbreaker

    Posted on Reply
  12. George says:

    George Washington is not alive. That is why pot is illegal. Because of people like you.

    Posted on Reply
  13. blahh says:

    fantasia when high as shit is fucking awesome

    Posted on Reply
  14. Annie says:

    Thank God someone else noticed that.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    it’s a a fucking clueless quote you moron

    Posted on Reply
  16. X says:

    entirely disregarded Planet Earth/Life narrated by Attenborough? who are you?

    Posted on Reply
  17. MaTy says:

    Marijuana!

    Posted on Reply
  18. em.j. says:

    Braidesmaids

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    you’re awkward. it was part of the joke

    Posted on Reply
  20. em.j. says:

    Bridesmaids*

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    I can’t even tell if they’re joking about it

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    My day will be spent watching Bob Ross paint.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    Hahaha best comment. Totes

    Posted on Reply
  24. Curtis says:

    Frozen Planet just became available on blu-ray. smile

    Posted on Reply
  25. Christina says:

    Office Space anyone?

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    umm… why did u betches delete the other stoner post??

    Posted on Reply
  27. Craig Sherwood says:

    His original name was appropriate already.

    Posted on Reply
  28. betchified says:

    and pulp fiction..heellloo

    Posted on Reply
  29. Nate Dunham says:

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    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    Kings Speech > you ladies are fucking brilliant.

    Posted on Reply
  31. betch says:

    Any episode of Planet Earth, muted and set to ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ by Pink Floyd. (Recommendation: “Shallow Seas”)

    Posted on Reply
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