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By The Betches on

It's no secret that February is by far the worst month of the year. It's like, if God were a chef, February would be a hotdog: aka a complete compilation of all the leftover shit of the year thrown into one short, miserable month. From holidays celebrating a fucking hairy rodent to snoozefest President's Day to Be Humble Day (we're not even going to get into this), it's clear that Feb was that nice girl from high school who used her Saturday nights to practice her clarinet.

Even Martin Luther King was like, "idc if it's Black History Month, fuck February. I'm not having my bday party in the grossest month of the year."

I mean, have you seen the movie Leap Year? It's essentially about Amy Adams getting so desperate, pale, and psychopathic in the month of February that by the end of it SHE decides to propose to her boyfriend. Talk about a month that makes you do crazy shit. Speaking of shit that's cray, let's talk about Valentine's Day.

dont touch me

 

Depending on if you're single or taken, V Day is either a really fun way to make all your friends jealous of your amazing boyfriend, or a day to wallow in self pity while not eating the overpriced cake pops that your dad mailed to your apartment because the SAB you're fucking refuses to "date anyone right now."

All month long you’ll hear single nice girls bitching about how Valentine’s Day is coming up and "it’s like, sooo depressing.” But real betches know the truth. Anyone who says Valentine's Day is stupid is just single or ugly. Whining about Valentine’s Day is pathetic, a waste of time, and for desperate lonely losers. Real single betches embrace their freedom and use it as yet another excuse to celebrate blackout Thursday and rack up invitations to fraternity V-Day formals.

But if you’re a taken betch, V Day is a great time to place unrealistically high expectations on your boyfriend that’s he’s sure not to meet. Be it the right flowers, strawberries, dinner reservations, 15 extra minutes of foreplay, presents, etc; whatever he does will probs not be good enough but hey, yet another day to let him try.

Given the wide range of love and hatred that V Day inspires, we're going to take a second to tell you what everyone else thinks of what you think about Valentine's Day:

"Ugh, I HATE Valentine's Day, it's such a stupid Hallmark holiday": You are pretentious, single, and probably ugly. It's not consumerism's fault you're not getting fucked tonight.

"Omg, I LOVE Valentine's Day, it's so much fun!!": You're going to wear pink underwear with hearts that you bought especially for tomorrow night, you have a boyfriend, everyone hates you for the pictures you posted of the cupcakes you made him today, and your resume is scented.

"Me and Henry are keeping things really low-key tonight, since we've been dating for so long, V-Day is like, an afterthought": You don't think your boyfriend is that into you anymore, so you're not sure if he's going to get you anything.

someecard

"We don't need to celebrate, every day is Valentine's Day for us": You're one of those girls who brought Valentine's Day cards for everyone in her marching band up until the 9th grade.

 

"Sooo I have this sneaking suspicion that Dan was like, stalking my Facebook today, I think it's because he was missing me on Valentine's Day, I'm sure he just didn't text me because he's mad at me and he's like also, fundamentally against celebrating holidays": You are the delusional dater, Dan wasn't even at his computer today, he was out with me.

"It's like, whatever": You're a single betch, let's go out.

So betches, in celebration of Hallmark’s ability to get people to buy you presents for essentially no reason, milk this shit for what it’s worth and enjoy. Remember that even if you’re single, Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to take shots in honor of the fact that you’ve avoided becoming that fat girl next door who's busy downing chocolates and semen from her fugly boyfriend.

 

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59 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Becca says:

    “It’s like, whatever”
    Words to fucking live by.
    Time to go get blackout.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Leah says:

    Personal favorite… “Ugh, I HATE Valentine’s Day, it’s such a stupid Hallmark holiday”: You are pretentious, single, and probably ugly. It’s not consumerism’s fault you’re not getting fucked tonight.
    I see so many girls post this on Twitter or Facebook.. you’re embarrassing and also probably hopelessly watch Lifetime movies and live vicariously through the C-list actresses like Tori Spelling or Melissa Joan Hart.

    Posted on Reply
    • what says:

      k chill out already

      Posted on Reply
    • Seriously? says:

      Leave Sabrina out of this.  She had enough problems being a teenage witch.

      Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    I can’t stand when single people say that… or when they go on and on about how depressing this holiday is. Um… it’s not the holiday that is depressing; it is you because you so desperately want a boyfriend and don’t have one. Every day should be depressing for these people. It’s simple… if you want a relationship, find someone worth a relationship. If you can’t/don’t want to… then enjoy being single and stop complaining. My fiance works nights so he is always working for Vday.  We never spend it together anyway. It is just a day like any other. Except it does give you an excuse to set the bar high for your man and/or black out… but it does NOT give you an excuse to complain.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      I agreed with all of what you said until you began to use it as your diary to justify that you’re the “Me and Henry are keeping things really low-key tonight” girl. Anways much love to you and hope your v day is magical!

      Posted on Reply
  4. That's so betch says:

    “It’s not consumerism’s fault you’re not getting fucked tonight.” Hahaha perfect line.

    Posted on Reply
  5. GUSH says:

    Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to take shots in honor of the fact that you’ve avoided becoming that fat girl next door who’s busy downing chocolates and semen from her fugly boyfriend.

    Posted on Reply
  6. betch says:

    Whatever betch wrote this has obviously never been to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. February is absolutely the best month. You’re not a real betch unless you attend Mardi Gras. It will put your idea of “betchiness” to shame.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Betch says:

    “its like whatever”- couldnt have said it better! great post
    who cares about stupid betches and their fugly boyfriends anyways.
    a true betch knows that a relationship just makes you go down hill.

    its like whatever betch, lovin the single life and getting blackout is what the betchiest girls do best!

    Posted on Reply
  8. betch please says:

    Mardi gras? Fat fucking Tuesday? Please

    Posted on Reply
    • fuckingduh says:

      Thank you, someone had to address that

      Posted on Reply
  9. confused betch says:

    “It’s no secret that February is by far the worst month of the year.” she says about black history month…

    Posted on Reply
    • let me help says:

      because of the “stupid” holidays that are in February… Black History Month isn’t a holiday, it’s an observance that just happens to be in February. Don’t make this more than it is

      Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    What’s with girls wanting a boyfriend so bad? Enjoy being single and the freedom betches

    Posted on Reply
  11. Sarah says:

    This is amazing. I feel like y’all read my mind! Haha.

    Posted on Reply
  12. mardi betch says:

    A whole week dedicated to blacking out. 
    Its acceptable to be slutty for a strand of plastic beads. 
    Prime time for not doing work, “DAaaad my bff is queen of like 4 mardi gras balls I meaaaann I have to miss class”
    Mardi Grasses aka weed
    Bourbon street- An entire street named after our favorite calories, alcohol.
    Its a marathon in comparison to your typical tailgate.

    Posted on Reply
  13. i fleur-del-lis NOLA says:

    Being born and raised in the Big Easy - this is SO true. It’s like the universe’s way of making up for Feb being so lame. Counting down till Endymion Saturday, Bacchus Sunday, and Orpheus Monday!

    Posted on Reply
    • ... says:

      I think you’re a week late on those parades. And Orpheus was on Sunday.

      Posted on Reply
      • ... says:

        My bad, Orpheus was on Monday…Somehow I got beads with Orpheus on them, though…Not sure how that happened. Blackout, I guess.

        Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    Finally a real betch and not a shitty intern got the honor of writing this. Thank you.

    Posted on Reply
  15. anonymous says:

    yeah… he “works nights.” AKA probs cheating on you, betch.

    Posted on Reply
  16. doozyfab says:

    Seriously… even if you tell a man what you want for valentine’s day… sometimes they just don’t get it right, but it’s still good when they try.

    Love this post betches!
    <3doozyfab

    HOW TO HAVE A FAB VALENTINE’S DAY:
    http://doozyfab.com/?p=1102

    Posted on Reply
    • K says:

      What’s with all of the spam? No one cares about your blogs. Cut that shit out

      Posted on Reply
  17. anon says:

    Remember that even if you’re single, Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to take shots in honor of the fact that you’ve avoided becoming that fat girl next door who’s busy downing chocolates and semen from her fugly boyfriend.

    best statement i have ever heard

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Get over yourself. February was just a regular month for like a bazillion years before it was black history month. Stop trying to stir shit up.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    Hes not working late, he’s cheating on you

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    “...and your resume is scented.” nice Legally Blonde reference. my favorite betchy movie of all time.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    I think I would know if he was cheating considering we work together and I know his schedule. I know you bitches (distinctively with an “i”) are probably used to guys not committing and cheating all the time… but I found a keeper. I was just making a point about how even though we live together, we are both busy. If you insecure, jealous, single bitches want to make acquisitions against someone on a website that you don’t even know… then there is the prime reason why you can’t find a guy who can commit to you… because you are a bitch. Have fun being SPINSTERS, BITCHES!

    Posted on Reply
    • cheers betch says:

      I didn’t think your boyfriend was cheating on you after the first post, but I do now.

      Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      why do you feel the need to defend yourself to a bunch of people who will never know who you are?  Translation: desperate, desperate, I am really desperate!  I’m sure you’re relationship is just fine but like chillllll.  save it patty hearst

      (and the night shift???  what does he even do, like janitor stuff??  jk forget I asked bc knowing you you’ll probs right out another desperately defensive novel to answer this…) jk sorry to be a bitch.  enjoy your holiday xoxo

      Posted on Reply
    • ... says:

      It’s “accusations”

      Posted on Reply
    • I.go.to.college says:

      “Accusations” not “acquisitions”
      And this site is fucking satire, get over it you miserable lame gf

      Posted on Reply
    • chill says:

      okay, wow. she ^ needs to chill. But…sometimes you do find a guy and you settle in together and the 7th V day in a row gets kind of silly…because I’m more embarrassed to publicly receive the cheesy roses delivered to my work and the box of chocolates I’ll never eat, than I am to admit this day is no different from other nights. You can only instagram that shit so many times.

      Posted on Reply
    • . says:

      Lol acquisitions

      Posted on Reply
  22. What the fuck says:

    Is this supposed to be a fucking comedy site? What is this shit? Seriously, I hope the cunts that wrote this shit choke to death on their vibrators.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      they’re just indifferent to v day - what could possibly be offensive about that?

      Posted on Reply
    • BOY says:

      Go read broslikethis and shut the fuck up you loser

      Posted on Reply
  23. GBFF says:

    Legally Blonde reference. Dead.

    Posted on Reply
  24. . says:

    “It’s like, whatever”: You’re a single betch, let’s go out.

    So betches, in celebration of Hallmark’s ability to get people to buy you presents for essentially no reason, milk this shit for what it’s worth and enjoy. Remember that even if you’re single, Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to take shots in honor of the fact that you’ve avoided becoming that fat girl next door who’s busy downing chocolates and semen from her fugly boyfriend.

    fucking hilarious. everytime a friend gets engaged or knocked up the rest of us do shots in her memory and celebrate our lives. RIP betch. more for us.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    lol…u spelled accusation wrong. A secure betch wouldnt have paid any attention to those comments..just saying

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    you spelled accusation wrong. A secure betch wouldn’t have paid any attention to those comments..just saying

    Posted on Reply
  27. agreed says:

    “its not consumerisms fault that you’re not getting fucked tonight” hahahaha and in the famous words of my bff sweet brown when it comes to valentines day “aint nobody got time for dat”  (i.e. ghetto translation of its like whatever) lets get fucked up tonight betches!

    Posted on Reply
  28. Finally says:

    For comedy, this site tells the truth. Your stock does go down when you start dating someone. Lets not live in denial.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Amanda says:

    Drinking two bottles of wine with my best friend during our hour long lunch break= Best Valentines day ever.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Lindsay says:

    This is HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!! Made my day.

    Posted on Reply
  31. Your Name says:

    everyone knows aquarius is the betchiest zodiac sign to exist.. and since aquarius betches are born in february it honestly becomes a betchy fkin month [after decembetch]

    Posted on Reply
  32. rochii pret says:

    I finally found my posts which amuses me greatly. And now laugh at these definitions. The hottest post I read it about Valentine’s Day! Have a look here to see some nice dresses for this day. http://www.rochiistarglow.com/

    Posted on Reply
  33. MB says:

    Hahahaha “Dan was even at his computer today, he was with me.”  So fucking perfect.

    Posted on Reply
  34. detoxshop says:

    “It’s like, whatever”, this is what i feal now, i hope i’ll be better till 14th smile Meanwhile i am on a diet smile
    http://www.detoxshop.ro/

    Posted on Reply
  35. kishbetch says:

    “Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to take shots in honor of the fact that you’ve avoided becoming that fat girl next door who’s busy downing chocolates and semen from her fugly boyfriend.” ahha im dead

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    Why are we hating on Presidents Day? Bank holiday = three day weekend.

    Posted on Reply
  37. Your Name says:

    This entire article is really, really vicious. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for four months and you know what we did on Valentines day? We played video games, watched movies, ordered Chinese food, cuddled and fucked. You’re not secretly a bad person for disliking, liking or being apathetic towards Valentines day. It has as much meaning as you put into it.

    Posted on Reply
  38. Sheesh! says:

    That last comment… Spot on. Valentine’s Day is whatever you want it to be, and who’s to judge the value that any other individual puts into it.  We can all be so unnecessarily judgmental and assuming sometimes. I personally don’t believe in celebrating Valentine’s Day, but I also am in a great relationship, I don’t think I’m pretentious, and I certainly don’t spend my time judging the people around me for enjoying the holiday… Good for them! Just not my thing, and that’s fine with me.

    Posted on Reply
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