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By The Betches on

So we might be a little late on the train here, sorry we’re too busy talking shit and writing about it , but apparently Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car. We love Reese, and because betches don’t really have any real feelings, we’re giving her Betch of the Week in order to negate the jokes we’re about to inevitably make.

Now betches, this is not an excuse to start throwing yourself in front of cars and then emailing us about it later in hopes of becoming betch of the week (it's been tried before), Reese has long deserved this betchy title.

 

reese witherspoonIt’s called makeup

 

The most obvious of her accomplishments is her perfectly non-aging face. Ever see her in that retarded movie with Rob Pattinson? It was like Elle Woods lost 20 lbs and replaced Bruiser for an enlarged circus elephant.

Speaking of Legally Blonde, one of our favs, Reese can totally carry any movie. In spite of the fact that her character reeked of nauseating nice girl in Cruel Intentions, she totally had a rich bro whipped, tried really hard to #8 not fuck Sebastian and eventually he died so it was like negated anyway. Whoops.

This betch not only won over Ryan Phillippe on screen but in life. It can’t even be debated that she dates the hottest men while never losing. Even though Sebastian cheated on her, she moved onto the even sexier Gyllenhaal. Meanwhile, Sebastian has to deal with some unwanted baby daddy drama and hasn't been in cast in a movie since the invention of the Blackberry. Talk about losing hard.

 

reese witherspoon lol chin lol

 

If we were older we’d totally be jealous of her life. She has such cute kids (vom), a pro husband, and a French bulldog with a taste for pearls. It’s so fucking hysterical the way her relationships panned out. Look at me I’m dating Jake Gyllenhaal Oh wait he’s kind of young let me wait for something better okay I’ll marry you hot motherfucking agent. Ew Taylor Switft? Really Jake? Reese makes #32 winning look effortless.

Reese is so cute we even love her fucking shitty ass movies like Sweet Home Alabama and Four Christmases. She's really the only person who can be described as nauseatingly adorable.

So, Reese, we hear 84 year-old women drive like, really fast. Honestly, you must be doing a great job on your #5 diet to have actually fallen down when a bitch this old tapped you with her car. The only explanation we have for why the grandma would have ever intentionally hit you is that she’s like really fed up with your only fucking annoying trait, your chin. Or, she's trying to create a real life alternative ending to Election.

 

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16 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. grammerbetch says:

    “better okay I’ll marry you hot motherfucking agent.”

    there’s an ‘r’ missing there i think

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    I can tell she’s lying…did you see the icky brown color of her hair?

    Posted on Reply
  3. betchtastic says:

    THANK YOU BETCHES YOU FINALLY LISTENED TO ME! I have been begging you to make Reese betch of the week since she said motherfucker on live television air. You rock. Betch loveeee.

    Posted on Reply
  4. awesome betch says:

    reese is fucking awesome good choice!

    Posted on Reply
  5. Kate says:

    reese is not a betch, she’s a nice person!

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Ew^ get off this site

    Posted on Reply
  7. headBETCH says:

    Reese is more like a DUMB BETCH. Noone likes the nice girl act that you try to protray… Cam Diaz is where it is at!

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    Dear Grammar betch,
    please learn to spell before correcting someone else. “Grammer” you’re missing an a there…

    Posted on Reply
  9. Christy says:

    I fucking love Reese Witherspoon, it’s about time she made betch of the week!

    Posted on Reply
  10. BMihaelll says:

     
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    Posted on Reply
  11. Judge Me says:

    seriously?

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    I second this motion. Legally Blonde like the betches handbook.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Cher is among the original movie betches, even though her gay-dar was non-existent.  Cher for Betch of the Week!

    Posted on Reply
  14. CoolBetch says:

    Stop spamming sites.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Betch says:

    Kim K needs to be betch of the week already. I’m totes over Reese’s chin.

    Posted on Reply
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