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By The Betches on

Remember the time when we were discussing gretches, grandmothers dressed as betches? No? Well we don't really give a shit, the point is, the time is now. Holy Gretch, if Chelsea Handler can be considered a betch's fun older sister, then Joan Rivers is fucking Mother Teresa, but I'm a cool mom! And while we don't usually give a shit about respecting our elders, every betch should take these next few moments to respect our fav old ass betch, Joan Rivers.

joan rivers

When Joan started she was wayyy ahead of what was appropriate for society. In a time when women belonged in the kitchen, and when openly talking about sex was as obscure as eating anything but pot roast for dinner, Joan walked through the glory gates of Hollywood shouting crude jokes about sluts and vaginas.

This woman is a walking piece of irony: she's the most outgoing woman around, yet loves to talk about how fucking ugly she is. She's even blamed her husband's suicide on herself: My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

For anyone who hasn't seen Joan's documentary on Showtime, it's a must see. The betch has rooms of jokes filed on politics, tramps, homosexuals, men, penises, orgasms, the list goes on. Sure Rosa Parks and like Betty Friedan did a shit ton for women's progress, but Joan, I mean she deserves a fucking Nobel prize for her comedy, or at least a good fuck.

Some great quotes from Joan:

joan rivers joke

 

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Sheila? Why can’t you be like your cousin Sheila?” Sheila had died at birth.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

So what if she's 78 and her face doesn't move. She still hasn't had as much plastic surgery as Heidi Montag. All we know is that Joan remains more actively betchy today than most people half her age. She must be thriving on serious betch fuel from all her shit talking on Fashion Police and all the marijuana she's been smoking on Joan and Melissa. Like seriously watch this clip of her, she goes straight from the marijuana clinic to a shady cul-de-sac to hit her bowl, like am I watching myself in high school yesterday?

So everyone, leave that extra air pocket in your empty hearts for the female comedian who's showed us that saying shit like "crazy glue couldn't keep her legs together" has the ability to make an old unattractive woman go down in history as a heroic betch.

 

 

 

 

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16 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. ewwww says:

    ugh the ads

    really?

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    Joan’s jokes are the only funny part about this. You guys seriously suck now. Can you not read the comments people have been leaving you? Like get the real betches back and GTFO

    Posted on Reply
  3. Krysta says:

    agreed

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Just commenting to let everyone know how disgusted I am right now that the background on this site is a montage of “The Vow.” I am holding back copious amounts of vomit as we speak. Cool it with the fucking promos, if I wanted to see a movie for nice girls I’d borrow my dud friend’s copy of The Notebook

    Posted on Reply
  5. Really? says:

    Rosa Parks didn’t do anything for women’s rights, she was a civil rights activist for african americans. Duh

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    that’s why the line was funny. duh

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    The ads are there because the head betches have some entrepreneurial skills. They have the opportunity to make some casual money from the female traffic this website receives. Fcking duh. Granted, “The Vow” is such a dreaded nice girl movie. Vom. But they’re betches. So why would they care if we like the ads or not?

    Posted on Reply
  8. kbetch says:

    can we pleaseeeeee see some more regina george type roles from her?!

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    honestly, this site isn’t nearly what it used to be. the original “betches” knew how to write some funny shit. the interns or whoever the eff is responsible for the last 10 or so posts is not funny, not clever or witty and just plain not an effing betch. keep promoting lame movies and having dull posts and your original readership will be totes audi.

    Posted on Reply
  10. ugh says:

    what are you, their spokesperson? shut up.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Bowrag says:

    Thats a classic picture of Joan

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    I don’t understand why everyone is so convinced that the writers are no longer the original writers. This blog has existed for a year. Yeah, they’re probs making a shit ton of money off of the ads but I doubt they hired new people. And I don’t think they’ve taken on interns yet because they posted that intern application for the summer awhile ago which all you fuckers should recall if you read this site so religiously. Maybe you just think the material is getting worse because they have to try harder to think of new betchy things to write about but either way, the people who comment on this blog are fucking idiots. And now I feel like an idiot because I’m leaving this comment.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    agreed 100%, i’m obsessed with Joan. BUT you shouldn’t have alluded to Chelsea Handler in the first paragraph—they openly hate each other. Not like that even really has to do anything…I’m just showing off my entertainment news knowledge.

    Posted on Reply
  14. miche says:

    Thats weird, everyones complaining about these lame ads for chick flicks when mine are for hotels in vegas…. Those are the kind of ads that track ur internet history and try to gear what they are selling towards ur likes and dislikes like on fb… so i guess ur really into being a lame

    Posted on Reply
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