Dear Head Pro,
I've been dating this bro for a little over two months now. He's not my boyfriend, but he's more than just a hookup. Anyways, being a betch, I'm really good at not having sex with him. I've only had sex with one other guy before this bro, so I want to make sure that this bro is for real before I fuck him. I'm not a total tease, I'll give him an occasional obligatory BJ. But recently, he told me I tease him too much and he's sick of waiting. Now it seems like he's losing interest because of the whole no sex stich and I think he may have even fucked a rando the other night just to get it in. How long is too long for a college betch to not have sex with a bro? Also, should I just tell this bro to fuck off or am I the one in the wrong?
Thank ya loads,
Open the Legs or Let Him Go
Dear Open the Legs or Let Him Go,
First of all, good for you for not confusing sexual empowerment with being a slut. Secondly, I don’t know exactly how long is too long to wait to go to pound town, but I know that in college two months is too fucking long. That said, that doesn’t mean that you should feel obligated to fuck him. Instead, it might be time to cut him loose. It’s important to keep in mind that if you feel like you’re banging a guy out of a sense of obligation, you probably shouldn’t be dating him at all. I get that you’ve only been with one dude and want to be judicious with your vaginal access, but think about this: If you’ve been hanging out with the bro for two months and haven’t yet felt strongly enough about him to go all the way, is it even reasonable to think you ever will? My guess is probably not.
That’s not to say he’s in the wrong either. I don’t know if he’s in any way exclusive with you, but at least he was able to man up and make his feelings known. To his credit, college is a time to be free and explore your sexuality, and if that’s not something you’re willing to do with him then he’s not out of line for wanting to find someone who will. The alternative would be for him to stick with you while fucking sluts behind your back, which is just like AIDS in that no one wants that.
Remember the old saying – if you love something, let it go, and if you don’t love something enough to fuck it you should definitely let that go too.
Dear Head Pro,
Last semester, I had a #18 fuck buddy that I was kind of into. He is #19 ugly hot, so no one really gets why I liked him--since I'm obvi way more attractive than he is. The problem is once his heinous ex came back from #3 studying abroad, he ran back to her and forgot that I even existed. I've been working really hard on #32 winning by just avoiding him in general. Last week I saw him at a bar. I had too many #140 tequila shots, so I chatted with him for while. We almost hooked up until he mentioned that he knew I had feelings for him. Firstly, how do I make sure he knows I do not like him anymore?! At this point, I don't even want to be with him. I just want him to want me. What is the best revenge I can get on this guy? What will make him the most jealous? I just want him to realize that he will never going to get anyone like me again and will be stuck with this boring nice girl forever. Ew.
Too hot for him
Dear Too hot for him,
1) #Stop #fucking #hashtagging #list #items #in #emails. Do you think that tagging entries from the betch list will cause them to magically hotlink when I open your email? Give your shift key a fucking break.
2) I know it’s a thing for betches, but guys don’t understand the concept of “ugly hot”. If he’s busted, he’s busted, and if he’s good looking, he’s good looking. It might be an easy way for you to rationalize fucking a disgusting bridge troll, but to everyone else it just looks like you were slumming it.
3) You can’t “work really hard” at winning. Working hard at winning is the same as losing. This bro’s going about his business just bro-ing the fuck out, and you’re sitting around plotting ways to make it look like you DGAF. Pretty fucking lame. For someone who claims to not like him anymore, he seems to be on your mind an awful lot. There’s nothing wrong with getting hung up on someone and having feelings – it happens to everyone. Winning comes from being honest with yourself and confronting those feelings so you can move on, not from some fucking transparent charade where you pretend to be above it all.
4) What the fuck exactly do you want revenge for? You guys weren’t in a real relationship, and when his ex came back he started dating her again. You were “fuck buddies”, which is girl code for “I like this guy and he’ll fuck me but he won’t be my boyfriend so I’m going to keep banging him hoping that he comes around.” All he did was take what you were offering. Don’t hate the player, hate yourself for over-investing in something that never materialized.
You can’t make this guy jealous, because he was never that fucking into you to begin with. If you want to “win” or at least get on equal footing, do your best to let it go and let him know you’re fucking happy for him. You may not be, but it’s a little thing called class.
For more douchey advice email firstname.lastname@example.org and follow @BetchesHeadPro on Twitter!