Dear Head Pro,
Here I am in the last months of high school, smoking copious amounts of weed and waiting for finals. Next year I'm going to an Ivy full of many bros (soon to be pros) worthy of my attention. However, coming from a High School full of losers, and being highly competent in the art of not fucking bros, I have only actually had sex with one guy. The feedback was overwhelmingly positive, but because he was fairly whipped I take it with a large dose of salt. I'm having severe anxiety about being bad in bed next year, when I won't be too good for everyone else. My idea is to ask a semi-hot back burner bro who I'm friends with to fuck a few times and get constructive criticism. Obviously this would be like, the best thing to ever happen to him. Is this grimy/sketchy, or is this rational?
Too Cool for School
Dear Too Cool for School,
A few things:
1) Congratulations on your Ivy League matriculation! Only four years to go until you find yourself in a soul-crushing finance job where you ponder on a daily basis whether or not you want to jump in front of a taxi on your way to work.
2) Explain to me again why going to college makes you better than everyone else (aside from you bringing it up)? Newflash: Regardless of what college you attend, betches and bros are likely to find themselves surrounded by fucking losers. And why are you assuming that you’ll have to play pogo-dick to work your way to the top of the social hierarchy? What’s more, you insinuate that being surrounded by academic equals means you’ll be getting plowed more often. That’s not empowerment, that’s pitiful. I think you need lessons in betchiness. There’s a website you might want to check out.
3) Prepare for a rare tender moment from Head Pro: From the guy’s perspective, the quality of sex depends very little on the skills of the girl and a whole lot on who that girl happens to be. No one likes a dead fish who just lays there like she’s doing you a favor, but other than that casual sex is just a means to an orgasm. The only time a sexual experience leaves an impression on a bro is when the girl is someone he really cares about. When two people have genuine feelings for each other and chemistry between them, that’s when the sex is good. Sex is not the same kind of competition or clinical exercise your overbearing parents have led you to believe the rest of life is, so no amount of “practice” will turn you into a superlative lay for the bro you blackoutedly bring home as a desperate grab at validation. So please, do not fuck your bro friend for the sake of constructive criticism. A post-bang play-by-play analysis would be about as erotic and informative as cancer.
4) Stop writing like Cher Horowitz talks.
Head Pro ______________________________
Dear Head Pro,
I've gotten myself into a completely fucked up situation and so far, none of my friends have been able to advise me the best way out of it effectively, so here goes. I work in finance at a mid-size firm; there are about 100 people and everyone talks shit about everyone constantly and there are no secrets, which is typical for accounting/finance firms, however, as un-betchy as this sounds, I fucking love my job. Anyway, long story short, I've gotten myself into a love triangle at work, but that's not the worst part. Before I say this next part, let me first tell you that I haven't hooked up with either of these guys; I know that doesn't make it much better but here goes.
The Pro that I want, that I actually like, has a girlfriend. They've been together 3 years and live together. He and I always flirted heavily, but about a month ago our texts started crossing the line, and at this point we've both told each other our feelings, and gone on several lunch dates and for all intents and purposes begun a relationship. We have never touched each other except for one hug one time, but I guess you could say he is emotionally cheating. Anyway the other Pro in the triangle- his coworker, who he literally fucking hates, flirts with me constantly. I flirted back but he literally means nothing to me, it's just been entertaining, and honestly, I'm not going to sit around and ignore every guy I see when the one I want has a gf. Well now someone in our office started the rumor that me and this second Pro, the one he hates, have been hooking up (we haven't, but we've been alone together twice which was too much coincidence for everyone). Basically my Pro, the one I like, flipped the fuck out, and these two guys literally got into a drunken brawl over the weekend. Yes I know, he had no right to flip seeing as he still has a gf, but he did.
So now here it is, my Pro has told me that if he's about to leave his girlfriend of 3 years it sure as hell better not be for some girl who has been playing him and lying to him, which he now suspects I have been. We decided we were going to try to be normal and friends for now until he gets out of that relationship and I prove to him I don't want this other Pro, but literally the day after we decided to do this, he emailed me at 7 am saying "Had another dream. You're in my head." So the whole being normal thing isn't working out so well. The whole problem now is, these 2 Pros are coworkers and both senior to me, and have already caused problems with each other at work and been told to stop hitting on me by the partners and literally everyone knows. Also, if and when he leaves his girlfriend for me, the entire office will think I'm a homewrecking whore (with valid reason, I know I know).
I want this guy, I really do, but I feel extremely shitty about his girlfriend and scared that this is going to be extremely messy and ruin my work life. He's already to the point where he is possessive of me and jealous, even though we aren't together yet, and I'm afraid it may be too late for me to just say I'm done without pissing him off enough that he makes my life miserable at work. Please help me out of this cluster fuck.
Love, Betch In Trouble
Dear Betch In Trouble,
Holy shit is this ever a cluster fuck. I hate to use a list format for two responses in one column, but it’s the only way for me to avoid writing one big block of text (hint hint). Here goes:
1) First and foremost, neither of these guys sound like bros. No bro gets into a fight with a friend (let alone a coworker) over a new girl who neither one of them has even so much as kissed. Also, bros don’t fucking email girls (over their fucking work email, no less) to tell them that they had dreams about them. Are you dealing with a MGB?
2) Your main guy is never, ever going to leave his girlfriend for you. Ever. Think about it. They’ve been dating for three years and they live together. It sounds like he’s closer to trading in his bro card for good and getting married than he is to throwing away three years of his life for a first-year analyst at the fucking accounting firm he leaves a little bit of his soul at every day. Even if he does, you’re already aware of the consequences: a fellow betch's life thrown through the ringer all because you’re too fucking lazy to find a guy outside of your office. Plus, if he'd do it her, he'd do it to you. Regardless of what happens, it should be a moot point because…
3) Don’t ever, under any circumstances, date a coworker. It’s unprofessional and unseemly, and something tells us the bro you like is just a former SAB who's settled down at home but bored at work. Sure, things like one-off trips to pound town or even short flings happen after a few too many drinks at happy hour, but that’s an entirely different situation. You’re talking about a genuine relationship, with a guy who’s further up the ladder than you. How would you intend to avoid accusations of favoritism every time you get a raise or promotion? What if you’re smarter than him and find yourself in a situation where you’ve climbed faster than him and you’re both vying for the same position? There are around 150 million men in this country. Find one outside your company if you value your career, which you claim to. That brings me to my last point…
4) I’ve worked at places like the firm you’re at, where everyone is young and all up in everyone else’s business. It’s fun for a while, but it’s not the kind of place you want to be if you take work seriously. The fact that the partners are aware of all these ridiculous shenanigans and haven’t fucking fired one of you is a testament to how flippant they are with the business. You’ve already managed to muddy the waters at this job, so I would suggest you keep your ear to the ground for positions at other firms.
Finally, the only thing you can do is to send both of these guys, in writing, a message clearly stating that you are not and will not pursue any kind of romantic relationship with either of them, despite any prior impressions they may have had. That’s the only thing I can think of that will help if HR decides to bring the hammer down on you.
Hugs and Kisses,
For more douchey advice, email firstname.lastname@example.org and follow @BetchesHeadPro on Twitter!