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Dear Head Pro,

So this guy and I had been good friends since lower school when he started professing his love for me a couple years ago. Obviously it was super easy for me to turn him into my back burner bro since I wasn't into him like that but liked the attention. He used to be your typical too-nice-to-like-guy but he was always around. Recently he started smoking the weed 3 times a day and even started selling. Now he just doesn't care about anything but his drugs so, being a Betch, I started to want him back. How should betches deal with these types of stoner bros?

- I miss my back burner bro

Dear Head Pro, I've been dating this guy for 2 years now and everything is great...most of the time. However, my bro likes to spend A LOT of time in candyland. Now don't get me wrong I'm all for cutting lines and blacking out but we are about to graduate and it is kinda to the point where he needs to get his shit together and like get a job, so I don't have to. Anyways how do I get him to chill on the pills so he can go get a good pro job without seeming like a fun sucking bitch?

Love ya,

Too Much Candy

Dear Drug Affected Betches,

All bros like the occasional tour through candyland, if for no other reason than that it’s an easy way to get betches to pay attention to you without really having to give a fuck. Even when we graduate to pros a toke on the bowl can take the edge off a shitty day at work, and a few bumps off your security badge in the back of a cab are great on nights when you’re trying to go HAM. But bros, being smart as shit, know the difference between a good time and going too far.

High school is a great time for trying some shit and not giving a fuck, but there’s a fine line between smoking some weed at parties and being a fucking drug dealer. Much as I admire his “entrepreneurial” spirit, anyone blazing three times per day and selling weed in highschool is not a bro, just a fucking degenerate loser. And PS, wanting someone because they all of a sudden care more about their drugs than you isn’t betchy. It’s pathetic.

As for Too Much Candy, I feel you, but unfortunately you can’t make a bro turn pro until he’s ready. Depending on what he’s on and how hard he’s hitting it, his bro status might in fact be in question. That doesn’t mean he’s worth giving up on, but it might be a situation where he needs professional help. There’s a lot of information out there that I would encourage you to look into. And don’t worry about sucking the fun out of it – there’s nothing less fun than being a broke, unemployed drug addict. Just make sure he knows you’re coming from a place of concern rather than judgment.

All the Best,

Head Pro _________________________________________________________________ Dear Head Pro,

I made out with a bro. A few months later, I slept with his best friend (bro #2). A few months after that I slept with the bro I made out with. Bro #2 is delicious to look at, but dumb as a rock. Perfect lova material. Bro #1 was boyfriend material. We started talking, spending more time together, got in a drunk stupid fight while both blacked out and he got real over it. We had plans, he bailed, I ended up going out with Bro #2. Went out with both of them last night. Bro #1 spent the whole night talking to some ugly chick at the bar, so naturally I spent my time talking to Bro #2. I still want to date Bro #1. Is this salvageable?

Dear I’m too Good to Sign my Name,

Are you kidding me? No, this is not “salvageable” in any sense of the word. First of all, chill out with the whole banging bros left and right for arbitrary reasons thing. Secondly, one thing betches don’t seem to understand is that bros are just as untrusting of betches as you are of us. I guarantee you that Bro #1 found out about you and Bro #2 (them being best friends and all). Contrary to popular belief, bros are sometimes capable of feelings, and he may have had some when you guys first got involved. But once he found out about you and Bro #2, you betrayed his already fragile trust.

Bro #1 is way past over it. In fact, he’s now winning because him talking to fugly sluts riled you up enough to send me an email. It’s ok though, because Bro #2 sounds like he’s more your speed anyway.

Smooches,

Head Pro