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By The Betches on

Walking into This Means War, we were prepared for like a giant joke. Undeveloped plots, horrible acting, and shit happening for no reason, you know, like in New Year's Eve. Okay, so maybe our expectations were met but somehow this movie was actually pretty great. It had us at Chris Pine's eyes, Reese's ridiculously thin legs, and Chelsea's sexual escapade with a fat man and a cheeto.

But like, why wouldn't this movie be entertaining? You put two really hot guys (one beautiful, the other good looking with a hot accent), Reese, and her comedian bestie doing ridiculous shit while fighting crime (?) …this is an obvious formula for success! It was like Chelsea Lately meets Sweet Home Alabama meets Spy Kids. But as usual, as with most semi-romantic half-assed action comedies some parts definitely made us raise an eyebrow.

chris pineI meannn….
Like Reese, why was your office so fucking bright? You looked like you worked on the set of Death to Smoochy or like a really chic kindergarten.

And why was Pine's character's name FDR? Was no one wondering that? Maybe I missed the part where they explained this because I was lost in his abnormally blue eyes / kept noticing ways he and Reese kind of look like they could be related, but why the fuck was everyone just down with him being called by the initials of a paraplegic president?

Oh and can we talk about how their cover-up jobs were cruise ship director and travel agent. That's the most retarded cover up ever, like if you're trying to lie to your families that you're in the CIA and do crazy shit like shoot at people, fall off buildings, and jump out of planes, you'd think you'd come up with more intense jobs. Like honey, why do you have all those bruises on your face? Oh it's nothing, just a client beat the shit out of me at the office today… with a bunch of travel brochures.

Who leaves a highway unfinished like that, what is this, Speed?

The scene with the trapeze was great, Reese was probably like, shit I'm amazing at this after Water For Elephants, time to show off sick gymnastics skills with yet another foreigner. But where the fuck's my elephant?

What about the whole plot about that Russian who actually spoke gibberish, coming after the two guys, based on a small piece of suit he ripped off FDR's jacket. Because he clearly found the ONE suit maker who has made ONE suit and it happened to be his. Wow, the realism in Hollywood story-telling these days is just exquisite.

Why, after her date with the Brit, did she say she wanted to go home, rent a movie, and take a cold shower? One, why are you physically renting movies and two, why are you telling this to the really hot guy you just met? Oh no! Not another movie with a really hot woman with an amazing job pretending to have a shitty life and have no luck with men! I believe that role is reserved for Katherine Heigl. And three, why did you go for The Vanishing when you were at this non-existent movie-rental place? Kiefer and Sandy abduction movies turn you on?

Parts where we were dying laughing or at least moderately amused:

When the British guy beat the shit out of all of those little kids during the paint ball date. I mean, there's no way those kids weren't dead or at least severely hurt. IT'S ONLY A GAME FOCKER!

this means warDo you think this would've gone he same way if he found her trying to rent Big Momma's House?
The end scene when FDR did this whole maneuver to save Reese but left Chelsea to just casually die. That was absolutely incredible and I would definitely watch that part again.

And that part when the British guy (yeah we can't remember his name nor do we care to look it up) hijacks FDR's magical date with all the paintings, and makes him say ridiculous shit. When the artist didn't want to paint with his fingers anymore, he'd pick up a stick, and if he couldn't find a stick, he'd paint with his dick.

So if you're trying to see a decent movie with really hot people with really deep blue eyes and unrealistically good combat skills for their attractiveness level, we say go for it. Just don't forget to blaze, at least for our sake. Maybe even hot box your car to a little Sade, because we're sure Chelsea did after the realization that her role in Hollywood was reduced to a wise cracking yet well intentioned bestie with annoying kids and a fat husband.

7 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    So I saw this movie two days ago and was wondering when you betches would write a hilarious post on this! I still don’t get why his name was FDR like wtf and the brit’s name was Tuck.

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  2. Anonymous says:

    You forgot some key, hilarious points.
    1. “I’m going to hell, I am going to hell.” -Reece “No your not. And if you do..I’ll be there to pick you up.” -Chelsea
    2. “He has little girl hands, you know what that means…” -Reece   “Yeah, hes got a Mike&Ike; for a penis” - Chelsea

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  3. Nicky Paris says:

    Chelsea Handler was so funny! The Mike & Ike line is hilarious and I think Charlie Sheen’s Goddess can also relate…

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  4. Blair W says:

    not your best post betches. can totes tell when its the true betches and when its someone else. not witty enough. not betchy enough.

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  5. jess says:

    lol true that

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  6. jess says:

    and the brit guy is Tom Hardy for crying out loud. total piece of hotness.

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  7. Olivia says:

    I know this is a bit late but I can explain some stuff. First off, they called him FDR cuz his name is actually Franklin. His cover as a cruise ship captain is a joke off of the fact that Chris Pine also plays Captain Kirk in Star Trek. The rest I agree with being bad but I accept that excuse because I’m a huge trekkie.

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