In the spirit of Valentine’s Day we’re reviewing what promises to be the romantic movie of the year. I mean, we guess it earns this title by default because it's only the second month of the year. But honestly, we give the film a solid "prettay prettay good."
Being suckers for Rachel McAdams after she played the epic and legendary Regina George, it’s hard not to like movies that she’s in. And I mean, we have vaginas so we obviously loved the Notebook. We did however notice that this is her second movie where she doesn't remember the name of the guy she's in love with. We've been there, Rach, except we call it being blackout.
First off, Channing Tatum: Although really hot, he manages to look kind of constipated and doesn't speak that clearly. We don't know how he's made it this far as an actor because we wouldn't call what he does 'acting' so much as we would call it 'speaking'. And giving a big dumb lovable smile. Maybe it's more like, low talking.Anyway, aside from the fact that he’s wearing a really gay hat when they meet, their love scenes were still actually adorbs. And hey, there's something to be said for the fact that he even liked her when her hair was a weird black bob, and despite the fact that her artwork looks like it was commissioned for a holocaust memorial.
The weird outer circle of friends: Somehow in these movies that lack serious depth (think New Years Eve, Monster-in-Law, etc.) there always happens to be an outer circle of ‘close friends’ that have absolutely zero character development and do nothing except provide a mute sounding board for Channing Tatum to talk about the fact that Rach is just not that into him. Also, that girl who he's friends with was sporting some seriously unflattering shorts. Not only do we not know their names but their presence and shitty acting was merely annoying and awkward. Like, ask her to move in with you alone, like you did in the preview Leo! Stop being such a poor idiot!
Also, why do all bohemian hipsters not have health insurance? Like, you own a studio, you have a little money. Does it go against your "I’m too chill to pay for my own wedding” vibe to see a fucking Blue Cross Blue Shield membership while you're attempting to have a child?
Rachel McAds AKA Paige: After she awoke from her coma and heard that she was married, she took one look at her ring and was like, WTF is this shit? There's no way I couldn't have done better. I must have lost my vision in the accident, where the fuck is the diamond!? Where is my blueberry mojito? Where is my jizz-haired fiancé with the Seersucker suits?
Rach's Parents: Yet again Rachel has crazy, rich, disapproving parents who make bad life decisions and in turn fuck up their own daughter's life. Bitch was def not a cool mom. And honestly, we almost preferred her original mustachioed 1920s weirdo father from The Notebook to the condescending prick with the predictable “lemme give you like 20 bucks to divorce my daughter” speech.
Finally, although we truly did enjoy this movie and were not bored like at all (which says a lot for girls with extremely high ADD and very active iPhones), we found ourselves plagued by a really obvious question: Why the fuck doesn't Channing just show her her Facebook Timeline??? Why rummage through old pics in a panic when you can merely log in and remember the "moment of impact" when you changed your relationship status to married, and defriended Grace after sending her an angry message “Stop fucking my dad!! Xoxo Paige”
So betches, if we haven’t spoiled enough shit for you, we recommend you force your boyfriend to see The Vow tonight or at least let it inspire you to go skinny dipping in a cold sewage-filled body of water. We solemnly vow there’ll be at least one girl in the movie theater you'll be able to make fun of for bawling her fucking eyes out.