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By The Betches on

Last night's Grammy's were like so long it hurt. They never felt this long before, probably because we've never watched the whole thing. THREE AND A HALF HOURS!? Didn't realize I'd need an Adderall for this.

It was a night complete with lots of Whitney Houston love, many attempted fashion statements, and the exorcism of Nicki Minaj. Anyway, for us it turned into a 3 hour discussion of who Adele would look like if she were thin.*

Generally we think it has to suck to partake in the Grammy's because unlike the Golden Globes where you can sit back and get drunk, you need to get on stage in costume and perform so people can judge you. Like for instance, who decided that LL Cool J should host and why? He looks and acts completely like a bar mitzvah dancer. LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAT MITZVAH GIRL JENNIFER HUDSON!! L'CHAIM!! [Cue to I will Always Love You That's What Friends Are For]

Whatever, we'll start with the fashion police a la betch idol Joan Rivers.

*We decided Katy Perry but a lots of votes went to Bryce Dallas Howard, Leighton Meester and Lana Del Rey (no idea who the fuck she is but we hear her name a lot these days?)

Red Carpet Pre-Show

I swear if one more person talks about the tone of the night...And does it not bother anyone that they keep calling it 'music's biggest night'? What's music's smallest night? Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards? Me blasting Call Your Girlfriend while smoking a blunt in my car?

rihanna

We love when the announcers proclaim something as "a moment". Like you know they're just dying to have "a moment" and are so relieved when one finally happens. They wanted Nikki Minaj and the Pope to be the moment this year but unfortunately Rihanna's sideboob stole the show.

Taylor Swift looked like a robot in a geisha dress. Taylor, did I give you permission to come to my house and bedazzle my curtains?!

Fergalicious looking like an orange ball of sluttayyy.

Worst dressed: Gaga, for trying to look like she was in mourning but actually just looked like she was wearing a basketball net. OMG good one Gaga, did someone like, die?

Best dressed: RiRi, but she left her Raybans at home.

Performances

Bruno Mars: I didn't realize Ricky Martin raped the Temptations and their child got a record label.

Rihanna looked so hot and shit all over Chris Brown's hop scotch performance.

Beach Boys stayed up 3 hours past their bedtime to lip sync some great songs. Seriously they're so old they had to wear a baseball cap with their group's name in case everyone forgot who they were.

Not to be mean to Taylor Swift while she's singing a song about um, people being mean, but there's a colonial woman on the stage at the Grammys, she's dressed in authentic colonial garb, there's something the Academy's not telling us!!

Deadmau5 was INSANEEEEEEEE. And by insane we mean, the guys who designed the light show and stage did a great job, and Deadmau5 bobbed his head really really well.

Note to Katy Perry, you’re like really pretty, can you stop dressing like a freak? You're afraid to offend your parents by filing for divorce, but not go out dressed as if Cinderella fucked a smurf?

grammysQuick Blake, kiss me before Gaga tries to turn me into a lesbian

We love Nicki Minaj but like, there's a reason I didn't see Paranomal Activia 3.

Tributes to Dead People

Etta James was probably pissed off from the grave, she wanted to be the dead star of tonight's Grammys. Thought she could pull it off by dying a few weeks before, turns out Whitney was like, fuck you I own the Grammys.

Jennifer Hudson's performance was life changing, end of story.

Why didn't Amy Winehouse get more attention? It seems like the only place in America white girls are discriminated against are Grammy tribute songs?

Awards

Seriously Jay-Z and Kanye, too good for the Grammys? Busy with throne surveillance?

Bon Ivers WHO? Here's a clip from his acceptance speech: "There's a lot of talent here...but there's also not a lot of talent here." Well now we know getting the best new artist doesn't require, um, eloquence.

Chris Brown for best makeup artist...Rihanna's concealer looked great.

Taylor should've won the country music award. Where's Kanye to set shit straight?

WHERE'S JUSTIN BIEBER.

Overall we enjoyed the show (kind of) and we just have to say that Adele, although we playfully make of her, is actually fucking amazing. I mean it's not over until the fat lady sings right?

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37 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    hahah finaaaaally. good post, betches. “You’re afraid to offend your parents by filing for divorce, but not go out dressed as if Cinderella fucked a smurf?”
    i died.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    omg that picture with gaga is fucking priceless.

    Posted on Reply
  3. S says:

    The people from the deadliest catch called and want their net back Gaga, she was obvi mourning the end of her overrated music career. The exorcism of nicki made me feel like I was on acid, or maybe I just needed to drop acid just to get it? Ahgreed LL was talking to the crowd like a boyscout troop leader. Rihanna as usual stole the show and Katy Perry’s “fuck you” anthem pointed at Russel Brand was the greatest moment of the year so far even though she looked like a power ranger. Jennifer Hudson’s tribute to Whitney was so predictable I had to put it on mute and pour myself a drink. Honestly though since Kanye was a no show the grammys were lacking major drama. Anyway, loved the post betches probs the best one in a long time.

    Posted on Reply
  4. skinnybetch says:

    It’s “Bon Iver” and he is fvcking awesome. Some real music unlike that electronic Deadmau5 bullshit.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    Taylor Swift legit looked like she got lost on her way to perform at colonial Williamsburg.

    Posted on Reply
  6. betchplease says:

    hipsters aren’t betches, so unless you’re reading this site “ironically,” go drink a PBR and occupy something.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    go occupy something. hahahhhhahahaahhaha

    Posted on Reply
  8. sammie says:

    what, no comment about lil waynes attempt to make pajamas a new fashion statement ? or about his supposed arrest backstage!?

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    and she was playing a banjo. wtf

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Bon Iver is actually good and he does have a song called Skinny Love which gives him a Betch Point in my book. Yes I did just make up Betch Point, I can do that shit.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    lol hipster betch… love your skinny jeans, but get real plzzzzz, no one GAF about Bon Iver

    Posted on Reply
  12. betchplease says:

    The song might as well be called “Skinny jean love” because it’s emo as shit.  And I’m sorry I just can’t get on board with a guy who looks like he shaved his back and super-glued the hair to is face.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Elizabeth says:

    Not only are you completely ignorant of what good music consists of, you’re also ignorant of the meaning of “emo.” And more importantly what emo music is. My chemical romance is emo. and shitty. Bon Iver is indie. and poetic. Unlike your shallow failure of an insult. Justin Vernon is probably more talented than you will ever dream to be.

    Posted on Reply
  14. hmm says:

    How can you call someone stupid. And ignorant. When you type like this? Next time, have one of your many cats proofread for you and show you correct comma usage.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    BON IVER IS AMAZING! You don’t have to be a hipster to enjoy decent music.

    Posted on Reply
  16. yea okay says:

    lana del rey is amazing betches know that

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    Bon IverS? Seriously? Fuck you they’re amazing

    Posted on Reply
  18. yeah.ok says:

    I would like to quote a tweet that stated: Bon Iver is what happens when middle-class parents aren’t honest about their kids “talents”

    Posted on Reply
  19. thank god says:

    the betches are back.

    Posted on Reply
  20. S says:

    wow this betch gets it, dying laughing. I’m sorry but last time I checked Bon Iver “which is prononced like bone heave-air for all of you who don’t speak french” was a weirdo. He looks like an awkward stoner guy you might have talked to one time while shit faced at a bar in Seattle and then deleted the second you saw how awkward he was on FB the next day. His acceptance speech was so painful to watch even he looked surprised he won. His music sucks but maybe I’m a bitter betch because whether all of you like it or not house music, electronica, and dubstep is the next generation and Skrillex should have won that award.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    I was seriously going to stop reading Betches. Finally a good post! the betches are back!

    theres a colonial woman on stage! bahaha

    Posted on Reply
  22. skinny betch says:

    You don’t have to be a hipster to enjoy quality music.  Sorry that I’m not sorry that I actually enjoy real, non-processed music.  As much as I love dancing and shit to house music, a real betch knows what genuine music actually is.  Anyone who lives and dies by house music is a poseur anyway, following the herd.  Flosers.

    xoxo

    Posted on Reply
  23. Emily says:

    betches LOVE lana. LOVE LOVE LOVE

    Posted on Reply
  24. mau5head says:

    WHO? better yet, how did he beat Nicki and J.Cole for best new artist?

    Posted on Reply
  25. emma says:

    Wait, people think Katy Perry is really pretty?  Is that a joke?

    Posted on Reply
  26. Erika says:

    Hey betches, thought I’d let you know in your second to last line you should have written, “playfully make FUN of her”

    Posted on Reply
  27. Jlee says:

    Great Grammy’s post. Love this: “Thought she could pull it off by dying a few weeks before, turns out Whitney was like, fuck you I own the Grammys.”

    Hahaha

    http://jleesblog.com

    Posted on Reply
  28. Michael says:

    Not quite sure if that was a typo, or just a sly reference to JLC and those gross constipation-yogurt commercials. Either way it made me laugh (on the inside, of course).

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    taylor swift is the biggest fucking nice girl, she makes me want to vom

    Posted on Reply
  30. sc<3 says:

    “Bruno Mars: I didn’t realize Ricky Martin raped the Temptations and their child got a record label.”
    I died.
    but seriously, when the fuck did he become Grammy worthy? All those noms, & I feel like he was onscreen all night

    Posted on Reply
  31. <3 says:

    & wtf was that Great Depression-themed performance

    Posted on Reply
  32. Anonymous says:

    good love for my boyfriend

    Posted on Reply
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