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By The Betches on

So even though we've commented on Facebook before, things have changed a bit since the last time we warned you against the dating faux pas that is friending a guy first. Apparently Mark Zuckerberg thought the global population wasn't anxious enough that he was using their personal information to sell their souls to advertisers. He needed to do something different. Shake things up a bit. Give us a good mind fuck. Enter Facebook Timeline.

Having timeline is like buying 500 dollar legwarmers. Sure they looked cool on the model, but once you put them on you realize you look like a well-manicured Keebler elf. Let's explore why we're not so happy with Facebook's release of our lifetime montage to 1,500 of our closest friends.

scott disick

Not only is timeline unusable, but it pains us to say that it makes us really despise Facebook. Why do I want to stalk profiles that people heavily monitor and choose what they want to put up? I mean, I'd like to know that you didn't hide the 432 pictures from your freshman year chubby stage before I actually make the decision of whether or not to date you.

What's worse is that now it becomes even more transparent what people think of themselves. People choose what they want you to see, who they became friends with when, and what picture they think they look skinny enough to blow up to 1200 pixels. Unfortunately, even when you try to edit or hide things from your timeline, new things just pop up in their place, so censoring your profile is kind of like playing Wack-a-Mole, but like, with your life.

Timeline will become a haven for lazy stalkers, and it reminds us all that the internet's not written in pencil Mark it's written in INK. So those embarrassing videos you left on your bestie's wall in 2008 might as well have been recorded yesterday for how easy they are to find.

It also gives way too much information, like I care that you added 146 friends in 2010? And the creepy thing it does where it can detect who your "good friends" are and features the moment on your timeline when you became friends, like to denote that meeting this person was a milestone or some shit.

scott disick
Now let's talk about the cover photo. As if the pressure for choosing a profile picture that doesn't seem like you're TTH wasn't bad enough, now we have to deal with filling the upper fold of everyone's screens with a marginally witty/borderline pretentious/exotic photo of ourselves or like, an arbitrary city skyline? It's enough to make you want to pop a Xanax. Speaking of Xanax, I feel like I need one whenever I go on anyone's profile for fear that I'm going to accidentally like something, like an old inside joke from the ex-boyfriend of some weird girl from high school you still occasionally stalk for kicks. Not only will she know that you've been stalking her, but both of them will receive a notification of your Facebook foul.

So what, now we can't write on each other's walls, it's writing on timelines? In 2012, The Betches wrote "Go Fuck Yourself" on Facebook's timeline. And whats with this baby blue color? Is it some sort of metaphor for this new shitty idea being Zuckerberg's "baby." Here's some news for your feed: Your baby is DISGUSTING. Can I take my timeline back to a time when your ego wasn't as large and nauseating as watching a movie in IMAX 3D? Throw me a frickin bone here.

So betches, like the Communist threat came with the Eastern bloc once upon a time, a Blue Scare is now upon us. It's time to tell those nice guys over in Silicon Valley that we will not put up with our favorite stalking device becoming our newest daily irritation. It's time to live in the present. Boycott timeline. Nostalgia is for nice girls...unless you're reminiscing over the time you had a Facebook wall.

47 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Betch please says:

    If you actually put in the effort to figure out what parts of someone’s timeline you don’t have access to, you might be a little bit of a creep, you’ve definitely got too much time on your hands, and you’re certainly not a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    more people with internet clout need to rant like this about facebook

    Posted on Reply
  3. Samantha C says:

    Fuck zuckerberg. Boycott the timeline

    Posted on Reply
  4. Guys says:

    Timeline isn’t really that bad. I mean, if you’re on Facebook enough to care when the format changes, you really need to reevaluate your social life.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    i agree that is what i was thinking..i didnt even know you could hide things…i actually like timeline because i have the best cover photo anyone has ever seen.

    Posted on Reply
  6. nikki says:


    Posted on Reply
  7. Kim says:

    Time for Google+  check it out!

    Posted on Reply
  8. emily says:

    its not that bad. complaining about every new facebook update is not betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    yeah, you probably don’t. shut the efff up

    Posted on Reply
  10. gretchen says:

    Stop trying to make google+ happen, it will never happen…

    Posted on Reply
  11. Taylor says:

    Apparently Zuckerberg is Red/Green color blind-hence the blue. Doesn’t make it any better, just good to know the Why

    Posted on Reply
  12. Carol says:

    Google plus fuggin sucks

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    as you can see, this is the first facebook update they have complained about. the other post is about friending a guy first.
    learn to read

    Posted on Reply
  14. Seasoned Betch says:

    A true betch would embrace timeline, not bitch about it. Facebook will continue to change just like it has since it began over 7 years ago. A real betch would own the fact that they are able to adapt and change and not lose her cool over something a nice guy created. So untangle your panties and move on to the next thing.

    Posted on Reply
  15. anon says:

    Everyone stfu about “not having lives.” It’s pretty easy to notice the changes after being on Facebook for 5 minutes. And they did their research on it before they posted, so get over it. Timeline sucks, betches rock fucking duh

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    is mark zuckerberg your boyfriend? YOU get over it.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    I think you meant, “It’s not going to happen”. Get your Mean Girls straight…

    Posted on Reply
  18. ... says:

    You can edit all your information and what people see with or without a timeline.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Danky Betch says:

    Timeline is creepy as fuck. Boycott it. Loved this post! Haters (aka fake betches) GTFO

    Posted on Reply
  20. Luciana says:

    muploads—-> out
    instagram—-> in

    Posted on Reply
  21. ybetch says:

    #1 worst part about time line is how they consolidate all your birthday posts into a little box… not cool mark, not cool

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    “censoring your profile is kind of like playing Wack-a-Mole, but like, with your life”

    ughhhh so true.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    Lol @ Scumbag Zuckerberg

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    for the record saying that trivial things are ‘so not betchy’ just makes you sound like an idiot. just because the betches like to post a rant or two about something doesn’t make it betchy or unbetchy—personally categorizing it as such makes you look like a total tool.

    like chill out gretchen wieners, you can like really expensive white gold hoops.

    ...or in this case, your facebook timeline.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Bri36 says:

    Regina said it like that after the talent show, duh. God Karen, you are so stupid.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:


    Dear Editor,

    Please comment in 2 weeks and try to tell me you feel the same way. Timeline was built for betches! Live it, love it, betch it.


    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    stop trying soo hard. instagram sucks

    Posted on Reply
  28. Brooke says:

    Timeline or not Facebook has epically sucked since it stopped being for college students only. My grandmother and my bf’s 12 year old sister are friends with me. I’m actually disappointed that the anonymous threat to destroy this site didn’t go through. When you had to be invited to the site it was cool, now it’s just sad.

    Posted on Reply
  29. duh says:

    You never had to be invited, you just needed a college e-mail address.

    Posted on Reply
  30. anonymous says:

    deleted my fb when this shit came out

    Posted on Reply
  31. jjy says:

    Non-betches coverphotos = “quick find a cute photo on tumblr”

    newsflash, i reblogged that photo 3 months ago, it’s not you. Get a new hobby.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Sarah Grif says:

    Can we talk about how you can’t block people from writing on your timeline/wall anymore?! The only way to block a friend from writing on your timeline is to block EVERYONE. Thanks FB—my psycho aunt has been set free. I don’t want to defriend her and deal with that drama, so I just have to delete all the bullshit she posts to my wall, which consists mostly of her inviting me and all my friends to animal rights protests. Jesus Christ. Sorry I’m not sorry I like fur.

    Posted on Reply
  33. wildbillco says:

    only some of mine were consolidated, like 140.  another 20 or so werent and i want to consolidate them.  dont think i can.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Desiree says:

    This post is def one of my favorites. Basically read my mind. Fuck a timeline, deleted my facebook today .

    Posted on Reply
  35. eric says:

    boycott FB if they keep changing things!

    best regards, eric

    alive games

    Posted on Reply
  36. Tom says:

    Ok, so I have had Facebook since 2005 and have seen people complain about Facebook every time it has changed. First it was when the mini feed was introduced and people were complaining that people can stalk them and they hated that, so they wanted to get rid of it. Now they are complaining because it’s too hard to stalk? Doesn’t make sense. Plus they say, “So those embarrassing videos you left on your bestie’s wall in 2008 might as well have been recorded yesterday for how easy they are to find.” And, “It also gives way too much information”. Those two sentences right there tell me that timeline makes it much easier to stalk on Facebook, and their points are contradictory. Plus, “Why do I want to stalk profiles that people heavily monitor and choose what they want to put up?”. You could monitor what people saw before timeline existed. People just hate timeline because they want to, there is no valid reason.

    Posted on Reply
  37. Ali J says:

    Facebook needs to be careful…many users left Myspace because it got so complicated and kept making changes. Changing little things is one thing, but why continually make huge changes to something that’s already popular and works? Its like trying to fix something that isn’t broken…

    Posted on Reply
  38. Anonymous says:

    IKR that’s so true, but its okay just like myspace we all ran when they made facebook, now someone when the brains and not yet the money to be RICH CEO TOP MONEY MAKER can now start up a new one call FACESPACE smile

    Posted on Reply
  39. Amanda says:

    There are friends and then there are Facebook friends. A brand new study states that “defriending” on the social networking site is becoming rampant, along with removing posts and untagging images. Read more: Facebook “defriending” on the rise

    Indeed, social networking can bring us closer to our friends. It can develop friendship relationships because through social networking we can share our ideas and everything that we do. However, our relationship to our friends become affected when someone has been “defriended” on social networks like facebook. Removing someone from your friend list would surely change the status of your friendship towards that person, so we need to use caution before doing it. When you’ve thought about it and still want to go ahead, then do it without regret.

    Posted on Reply
  40. rachel says:

    I could care less either way. I figure, If it wasn’t meant to be seen, then it shouldn’t have been on the internet. And if someone else posted it and you don’t like it, fucking delete it. I don’t give a shit what people think. Someone could post a video of me passed out with a pair of balls on my face and I would just say “well played” and think of a way to get even.  I think the concept of timeline is kinda cool. Like a virtual scrapbook or something.

    Posted on Reply
  41. anon says:

    “your baby is disgusting” lol

    Posted on Reply
  42. umm... says:

    Get over it. Only people with too much time on their hands complain about Facebook changes. It’s called not giving a fuck.

    Posted on Reply
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