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By The Betches on

Now, we know what you’re thinking, One Tree Hill sucks. Why would you want to watch what is essentially a soap opera of North Carolina teenagers. But wait, why wouldn’t you? Anyone over the age of 19 knows that One Tree Hill used to be amazing and if you didn’t at least consider quoting Chad Michael Murray in your high school yearbook, you were probably a nice girl.

Somewhere between fast forwarding through college and that psycho nanny Carrie era this show became too much to handle, but seeing that after nine long seasons One Tree Hill, better known in #21 abbrevs as OTH, is coming to an end, and it’s only fair that we pay homage to one of the CW’s original teenage masterpieces.

At first we wondered why this town only has one tree? We quickly learned that the title had a much deeper meaning. Tree Hill, North Carolina, for whatever reason, is packed with celebrities. A famous designer, musician, athlete, actress, director, author, the list goes on. But wait, why are fuck are these people here? If you live in this town you have been driven off a bridge or have been shot by a lunatic at least once. The only explanation is that Karen’s cafe makes amazing #54 iced coffee that gets its great taste from a special ingredient known as Lucas’ heart medication.

one tree hillYeah no shit. It's probably because you keep making weird drawings like this.

Why it’s a Betch's fav show:

Before these characters became famous they attended Tree Hill High. While there’s really nothing betchy about North Carolina, this group of 30-year-olds teens were always getting fucked up at their parents' beach houses, ski lodges, or at hotels during their cheer/basketball trips and they always mastered #36 not doing work, since they managed to find a nice girl Haley (tutor girl) to do it for them. Also, if your high school bestie group wasn’t almost broken up by the heated debate that was “Lucas or Nathan” then you should hope you're not still speaking to any of your high school friends anymore because they clearly fucking suck.

Brooke is a betch simply because she was the most popular girl in school and always looked gorg. She was kind of a slut and frequently cheated on but we can overlook that because of how amazingly grool she was and how she turned making up with her bestie into a clothing line. Clothes over Bros for life! Though her BFF was a backstabbing emo bitch, she had much better luck than Peyton Sawyer (minus the time she almost drowned and got the shit kicked out of her by some orphan).

For example: Brooke was not shot in a school shooting, her adopted and biological mother’s did not die, she did not collapse whilst bleeding out on her living room floor on her wedding night, ETC.

We do give P snaps though because she overcame obstacles while still maintaining a flawless physique. Apparently frantically running up and down the stairs to escape your stalker “brother”, Derek, is amazing for perfecting one’s abs.

Why this show is not betchy:

Everyone on this show is fucking related. Like seriously Lucas and Nathan are brothers because they have the same father, Dan. Dan’s brother is Keith, who knocked up Karen, Lucas’ mother. Keith also fucked Deb, Dan’s ex wife. Brooke used to fook Lucas who cheated on her with bestie Peyton like too many times to count. Nathan even lost his virg to Haley’s sister, not Quinn, the evil one.

one tree hillwe’re the North Compton Wildcats Tree Hill Ravens!

Fast forward. Here’s the rest of the show in under 30 seconds: Lucas and Peyton end up together after he kisses her on the court but they left, wahh!! PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE! Brooke was #8 not fucking bros for a min and probz dry humped Ste-phen Coletti Chase during her Clean Teen phase. Now he’s fucking Alex who attempted to com sui over Julian, Brooke’s husband. Nathan’s agent, Clay, is dating Haley’s sister, Quinn. The girl from Cente Stage shot them and they lived, what a surprising turn of events! Oh and for about 5 minutes fugly turned hottie turned drug addict, Rachel, was married to Dan while he was like a preacher or something. She might’ve also hooked up with Lucas we can’t remember, our brain hurts almost enough to vom the trapped air in our stomachs from the #133 gum we chewed for dinner.

Judging from the season premiere shit is going to hit the fan in Tree Hill like shit has never hit a fan before. Clay is psycho, Brooke’s dad exists, Chris Keller is back…very intéressante Haley! Who the fuck gave Dan a gun and is Nathan under the sheet? Most importantly, Lucas can’t get another acting job returns. But not Peyton because her career is clearly booming and she has to take care of her baby with Denny from Grey’s.

Predictions:

· While Nate's away Haley will play…guitar with Chris Keller because she probably won’t hook up with him.

· Clay is the one under the sheet. He prob got hit by a car or some shit while sleepwalking, a great explanation for Haley crying hysterically: she did it. Even though we do think it’s a guy, Quinn could be dead also. Either way it’s anticlimactic, they should’ve both died already.

· Chase beats up Julian in an alley and gets arrested? Or maybe a Chex domestic dispute?

· Deb will be back for one episode, we pray she brings some oxy.

· Jimmy Edwards is alive.

Well after writing that our heads are killing us and we're going to go on to bigger and better things, like watching Gossip Girl. See ya lataz OTH, may we always remember Hayley's stupid pig tails and Nathan's hot body but acne ridden face. Some things will never change though, and that is CW casting 40-year-olds to play 17-year-old whores.

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35 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. LULZ says:

    North Carolina is actually pretty betchy. Like, Asheville was voted #1 Most Beautiful Place in America by ABC. Charlotte is the financial capital of the East Coast. Not to mention NC is CRAWLING with Pros because of all the collegiate action. (Duke Medical School? I’ll take it) And Wilmington? (where One Tree Hill is filmed) is home to the University of North Carolina at Wilmington which literally has the hottest student body on the Eastern seaboard.

    Posted on Reply
  2. jjo says:

    “How amazingly grool she was” hahahah as always with the mean girls references. love the post betches.

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  3. Anonymous says:

    “Brooke used to fook Lucas”

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  4. Abc says:

    Really, Charlotte is the financial capital of the east coast? Have you ever heard of this small town called New York City? I hear finance is pretty popular there too.

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  5. Anonymous says:

    “may we always remember Hayley’s stupid pig tails and Nathan’s hot body but acne ridden face”

    really wish Nathan would’ve cleared that acne up. the bod was perfect

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    • pippa says:

      Um Nathan had acne? Did not know that. My eyes never made it up to his face

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  6. Anonymous says:

    Agree NC is def betchy, but Charlotte is not financial capital of the east coast, maybe financial capital of the south east but that’s still over estimating.

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  7. Anonymous says:

    Wait, OTH is still on TV? I’m pretty sure it was on the WB originally and that shit hasn’t been around for a long time

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  8. Anonymous says:

    Brooke is a bad ass betch..in high school at least

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  9. Anonymous says:

    Jimmy Edwards is alive

    love.

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  10. Anonymoua says:

    Brilliant. This farewell pays perfect tribute to a show that was once the highlight of my week during high school (yes, I attended the OTH tour). The only person missing from this who deserved mentioning is the one and only Jake Jagielski. Otherwise, spot on post and GO RAVENS!

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  11. SoGoProStreet says:

    “Jimmy Edwards is alive”

    I promise- if that’s true- I’ll act like I never, ever, ever liked/saw/supported the show. HAHA!

    Enjoyed your perspective on one of my favorite shows ever- even if it’s a tad bit strange that they are, in fact, all related wink <3

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    what about mouth/ minkus?

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  13. Anonymous says:

    Yes.
    How tutor girl nabbed him, we may never know.  I give her props for that, and that alone.

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  14. Anonymous says:

    Keith and Jimmy have been hiding out in the OC, plotting their return and their revenge on Dan and the yearbook committee, respectively.  Fuckin’ duh.

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  15. Anonymous says:

    I love how betchy this reply is.

    Posted on Reply
  16. OTH says:

    That’d be Atlanta. Or Miami.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    lololol this is classssic, too many great things were said to even list. team brucas forevz, fuckk peyton worst friend/betch ever!

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Hahahahahaha “and the yearbook committee” just died

    Posted on Reply
  19. BRITTANY says:

    you guys are so right on with everything thats happened. fuck the cw, one tree hill was the hottest most amazing show in its day and ill ever forget it!! lucas and peyton forever i love you

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    I want to read some shit about The OC. Thanks.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Muffy says:

    It did clear up. He only had acne in S1. He didn’t really break out until later on in S1. James was only 17 when he was casted on the show. The youngest cast memeber. The show sould’ve went off the air after S4, but I will be watching the last epsiode ever.

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  22. renee says:

    no offense, but do you even watch the show? bc those details are quite off.  and none of them are even 30 in real life btw.  yes pretty much all of them are related but wtf is the point of this?

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    So last month was the last episode. However, don’t many shows resurrect after their supposedly last episode? If so, one of the farewell quotes would suit the fans - the return makes one love the farewell.
    And did you know, they dropped the title song in season 5 for money and airtime reasons… strange that such popular show was on tight budget…

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    wonder if it will be back again…. one of my fav. quotes from oth -

    Nate: Oh wait, you’ve already been kidnapped.
    Jamie: So have you.

    lol :p

    Posted on Reply
  25. manda says:

    you hate this serie so much but you still have the time and energy to write a novell about how much it sucks. it’s funny you still even watch it..

    Posted on Reply
  26. Goodbye charm says:

    Yes this is true that people always leave. But if people leave on a happy note then this never hurt. But always remain as a happy memories. There are lots of goodbye quotes by all the famous personalities. Because they had also left one place at different stage of life. So read those quotes and will find how much positive is to leave some one if there is a promise meeting again.

    Posted on Reply
  27. anonymous says:

    Wow!!! This is insane and uncalled for. if you don’t like a show don’t watch it its that simple. its a soap opera they all have drama. i read this buy accident and was reminded how small minded ppl are. i will watch anything that has chad Michael. Murray in it.

    Posted on Reply
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